he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
