You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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