4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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