I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
