I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She said her name was "party"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
