I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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