LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
