Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
