Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
