my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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