Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
