just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
