my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
