took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
