the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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