That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
