end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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