put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
