Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
