Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
