My first STD was from a foam party
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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