I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
