If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
