Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
