If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She needs sedatives and a leash
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
