At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
