She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
