our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
