dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Drake has all the answers
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help