well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Sorry my hands just texted you
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
