Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
