No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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