Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
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