hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
