why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm like, not good at living.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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