I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
