I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
