Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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