yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
