So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
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Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
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Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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