so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
