Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
