The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
