I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
