theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
