So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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