I have demons in me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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