Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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