So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
