I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
