Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
