Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
