Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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