I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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