Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
