i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
