You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
